i don’t know what it is tonight but something just dawned upon me. i feel a change. i feel something brewing in me that i can’t seem to shut out. i think something’s happened to me. inside. and i know i have to put down my thoughts now before i forget them altogether.

like my future just passed in front of my very eyes. and you know what i saw? i think i saw myself being single and happy and content and successful for the rest of my life. really. i know someday i might want to have a child but i don’t know. or maybe i’m not going to live that long or reach that age when i’m supposed to actually have a family of my own. crazy.

anyway, i think i saw flashes of me being a topshot lawyer, a much revered tv personality, a fashion icon, the girl of every man’s fantasies. a woman cut out to rule the world!

okay. so maybe these are more of delusions rather than life-changing visions. howell.

somebody offered me what seems to be a job, a writing job. but it doesn’t come without strings and apparently i owe a lot to this one who set the employer to contact me and there goes the dilemma. get it? if i don’t take it, i would look bad to R. if i take it, then it’s like being in a fish bowl where all my actions are under indirect scrutiny. and worse, if i take it, mess up with it and drop it, i’m doomed.

so add to my list of delusions above: a much sought after writer, one of the best of her generation.

alright. so maybe my life is a complete blah right now. i don’t have a job. i stink. im fat. and i’ve got these horrid pimples that keep sprouting in my face. i’m awful in school, my ex-boss probably considers me a charity project and i just haven’t got a single clue as to what i ought to do with my.friggin.life. and now i sound like emma corrigan.

sigh. double sigh. maybe i should chill more. i’ve been chilling out for 2 months now for pete’s sake it’s driving me nuts. im obsessed with the pc and tinkering with movies and music and books and i just might lose it sooner rather than later.

tomorrow, an officemate’s comin over and guess what, we’re going to study. yippeedidoo. my life sucks i know. and she’s in some friggin top elitist lawschool and it’s like when i see her, her school’s name is plastered all over her face with blue pompoms and drums on the side cheering her on. our super mega boss secretly envies her as his own kid appeared to be stupid enough not to get in, in more than a single attempt. while i’m stuck in this charity school where the toilet room is pitiful and we do our own, er, timba duties and the library is the size of classroom, a mini one, at that. ah.

i wonder if tomorrow’s going to get any worse. i wonder if it’s gonna lift my mood. i so feel like i’m going to have my period right now.

darn these stupid hormones.

update: my lovely sister just brought me pasalubong! yey!  tacos and perfect pop! sour cream flavored popcorn! life is beautiful!